The Return of Mr. Genius man

By Tracy K. Lorenz

(Ten years ago Tracy wrote a column about his being a member of the American Mensa Society, a group whose only qualification is that you have an IQ in the top 2% of the worlds population. After the column ran, readers sent Tracy questions many of which began “Okay, Mr. Genius Man, if you’re so smart…” That was the beginning of the “Mr. Genius Man” columns. The Editor)

Richard J., Norton Shores, MI: You’ve written a couple times about the crab fishermen on Deadliest Catch. Have you ever watched “Swamp Loggers?” Who do you think would win in a fight between the crab fishermen and the loggers?

Mr. Genius Man: I’d go with the loggers because the crab fishermen are always tired and they’re about half the size of the more sedentary loggers. Not only are they smaller I gotta believe every guy on that show has lungs like a piece of burnt toast from chain smoking. To defeat a Deadliest Catch crab fisherman all you’d have to do is run up a flight of stairs.

But both the crab guys and the loggers wouldn’t stand a chance against the guys on “Swamp People,” the ones who catch alligators for a living, gigantic alligators, alligators in a teenage-girl-mood all the time. There’s a guy on there named Willie who appears to be in his early thirties, he’s missing a front tooth, and he might weigh a buck and a half. Last year his dad was trying to shoot an alligator that Willie was holding on to (there’s no OSHA in the swamp) but the alligators skull was too thick so the bullet bounced off and hit Willie in the arm and face.

Now if that was me I’d just, at know, die. Willie went home and had his mom cut the bullet fragments out of his face with a hot knife. They don’t do that on Jersey Shore. But Willie doesn’t just catch alligators, to pick up a little pocket money he cruises the swamp at night in pitch darkness and catches snakes by hand. On one show he caught 65 snakes and every single one of them bit him. If it was me I’d be considering another career path after snake number two. But Willie just complained of being woozy and threw up over the side of the boat every now and then. The only time I’ve ever seen him complain was when an alligator that was supposed to be dead sprung back to life and clamped down on his Willie’s hand. His dad somehow pried the beasts mouth open and extracted Willies fingers. He wrapped an old t-shirt around it and went back to work.

Now compare catching angry fourteen foot alligators in a twenty foot boat to catching a little crab on a gigantic ship and the contest ends quickly.

Jason M., Findley, OH: I’m heading to up Grand Haven on vacation in two weeks and I was told to be weary of the rip tides. Any suggestions?

Mr. Genius Man: Yes, be like me and don’t go in the water. Well, not above your waist anyway. I’ve done a very non-scientific study over the years and it would appear that most Lake Michigan drowning victims have at one point had their head under water. The experts say if you get sucked out by a rip current you’re supposed to swim diagonally but these are the same experts who say you should punch a shark in the gills when it’s biting you. In either case I’d be in such panic I doubt I’d have the presence of mind to act accordingly. All I know is if I was in a rip current and a shark started biting me I’d just figure it wasn’t my day and accept my fate.

If you do for some reason feel the need to actually swim in Lake Michigan do it as far from the pier as possible since that’s where rip tides occur. But seriously, there’s no shame in just lying on the beach.

Kevin24rulz, Traverse City, MI: I’m getting married next year and my girlfriend wants a big ring. I’d rather get her a smaller ring and use the money for a new truck or a down payment on a house. Do you see any reason to buy a large ring?

Mr. Genius Man: Dude, just tell her the big ring makes her look fat and go buy the truck.