Posted by admin on Jul 24, 2011 in
Muskegon Comical By: Veda G. Rooks
As we all know, Veda G. has many talents. One of those great talents is being great with people. What can I say? I’m gifted. So obviously with this God-given talent, TJ Maxx was totally inclined to snatch me up before I went to another high-end thrift store. I now hold a very sought-after position as “Cashier on Front-Lines” and have to fight every second to hold my high status at the company. So tough. Another well-known fact is that Veda G. absolutely loves summer (but I am NOT having this “Heat wave 2011” junk), so obviously I am totally up to do any type of activity that revolves around anything summer. Recently I was asked to go with some of my friends on a boat. Unfortunately, I had to work. Then God came down to Earth and told me that I need to get my act together. This is when I had the revelation that I, Veda G., am working my childhood away.
If there is anything that I like more than Lumberjacks, it would have to be water. Well, technically I don’t really like GETTING IN the water, but I do really enjoy sitting on top of it and tanning. So, boats are right up this kids alley. Unfortunately, for me and the entire lake, I had to work. Umm, eww. Did I become 53 in the last five seconds? What kind of kid misses out on total dimes driving around in boats to go to work? That is just ridiculous. One way to make yourself an automatic square is going to work instead of chilling with your girls.
I’m only a child-a mere 17 years old. I should be eating junkfood, sneaking out, and CERTAINLY going on boats. Instead I eat whatever is left over in the vending machine in the break room, go to bed at eight o’clock because I have to be up early slaving away at the Maxx, and miss out on opportune-lake-roaming experiences to be yelled at by old women hobbling around the vase aisle. My looming 18th birthday is just around the corner and I’m going to have to start making my own dentist appointments, buying groceries (what the heck do you even buy?), and paying for my own insurance (looks like this young women will be investing in a new bicycle!). I think it is pretty safe to say that I should be enjoying my last year as a child and not spending it working for the Man. You only get to be 17 once, and this deprived child is watching my childhood pass by the windows of TJ Maxx (only on break of course).
Despite the fact that I’m half-blaming my lack of tan on my constantly being inside those treacherous four walls that glue TJ together (the other half on my genetics of course), there are a selected few jobs that I could possibly stand to have. Number One: Maranatha life guard – ummm, hello? Sitting in the sun ALL day watching little ankle-bitters teeter around the pool. What a breeze! Numero Dos: Sales Woman at the Yankee Candle Store – Candles. Enough said. Lastly, Number 3: Anything to do with shoes – They say to do what you love, and I certainly do love shoes! Just in case anybody with these possible connections happens to read my lovely column, hit a girl up.
Unless the Yankee Candle Company calls and says they would like me to head the smelling department, I’m going to be stuck hanging ugly shirts and stocking useless shelves at TJ Maxx. Apparently having a God-given gift comes with certain responsibilities, like working your summer away. Luckily being basically head of the company, my floor sweeping days are over and I have been promoted to the Women’s Department (this little bonus came with a whopping $00.16 raise too). Balling. It’s such a hard-knock life when you have such a charming personality. Oh the horrors!
Posted by admin on Jul 24, 2011 in
Muskegon Comical By Tracy K. Lorenz
(For those of you not from around here Muskegon’s Summer Celebration is an eleven day event that brings in a different “big name” band every night. Most people buy a pass for the whole shebang and they get ten to fifteen thousand people a night. I got my start writing reviews for Summer Celebration and have gone to hundreds of concerts over the years getting to meet some pretty big names; it was traditionally the high point of my year. But for reasons no one has pinpointed attendance has been dropping and the event is losing money like a sieve. I remember standing back stage a few years back and looking out at the throng of people and thinking “How will Muskegon screw this up…”)
From everything I’ve heard Summer Celebration has one foot in the grave and the other foot on a banana peel. I went to only one show this year, some Eagles tribute band on the 4th of July, and the crowd was maybe a quarter of what it would normally be. Here’s a tip: If you’re a tribute band you should at least try to sound like the original band. They might as well of had Dutch Henry up there singing Eagles songs.
So people are trying to blame the low attendance for all the shows on bad band selection but I disagree, I’ll admit that this years bands were nothing to camp out for but there have been questionable bands in the past and the place filled up. Let’s face it, usually half the bands are “Tribute Bands” in one way or another; we’ve had the Cars without Rick Ocasek, Journey without Steve Perry, and you can’t get much more tribute-y than Lynyrd Skynryrd since they’re, well, dead.
I’ve heard people blame the economy and gas prices but I notice no shortage of people pouring into Grand Haven on a nightly basis and other events like Irish Fest, Unity Fest, and Bike Time seem to be doing okay, the problem isn’t the bands, Obama’s stellar recovery plan, or gas prices; the problem is the event itself. I look at it like a guy who’s a good golfer and decides to tweak his swing; he closes his stance a little, flattens his swing plane, moves the ball forward, and next thing you know his swing is so messed up he can’t remember what he used to do right.
I get a constant barrage of emails saying I complain too much without offering solutions, well, here are my suggestions on how to save Summer Celebration…
1) Stop trying to please everybody, get rid of the ethnic show. I know the ethnic show is compulsory but the African American community hasn’t stepped up to support it, ever. It’s a money loser. Sorry, it’s gone.
2) Same for the occasional Christian group. Adios.
3) Put an entrance gate on the west end of the venue. If you park on the west side you have to walk about a mile to get to the east side, meanwhile the line is getting longer and longer as you walk, you’re like a salmon going upstream
4) Get rid of the carnival. Please. Again, if you’re walking from the east you have to walk through that hell-hole of broken dreams and unruly youth. The carnival is a repellent and can’t possible make enough money to justify its existence. If you have to have a carnival stick it in the Wal-Mart parking lot where it belongs.
5) Muskegon: CLEAN UP! When out of towners come here and see a parade of overweight tattooed moms, dads in filthy NASCAR shirts, teenage girls using language that would make a crab fisherman blush, and the whole bunch wearing flip-flops and exposing nails like Ming the Merciless it’s a bit off-putting. It’s all about “Birds of a Feather” and if you want other birds to come here and spend their money then you better wash up. The old “We’re Muskegon, that’s how we are, deal with it” attitude has done nothing but destroy a once mighty city. Drop it. If you can’t afford Prell get some Suave.
6) Stop with all the specialized seating. Back stage (which isn’t really back stage), Premier Seating (no different than “back stage” only on the other side, Fan Standing, General admission, Club Celebrity, Middle reserved, General Admission chairs only, General Admission chairs and blankets, the bridge and the Sky Deck. Do we really need TEN options to help alienate people and make it difficult to walk around? The weird thing is NONE of the “special seating” is as good as the regular general admission seating and that includes the ACTUAL back stage. Quit with all the fancy stuff and dance with what brought ya.
Summer Celebration has never been about the bands, it’s been about the event. It’s a gorgeous venue, it’s a time tested formula, there’s no way the place should be ¼ full on the 4th of July. Just keep bringing in bands who’ve played ONE song we’ve heard even if they’ve been here three or four times, no one really cares. I’ve seen REO and Styxx three or four times, that doesn’t mean I won’t…re-view them again.
Posted by admin on Jul 24, 2011 in
Muskegon Comical By: Veda G. Rooks
A well known fact to almost every human being on the planet is that I am awesome. Everybody knows it. Word. (Um yeah, I am gagging just writing it…can’t imagine how you felt reading it). Anyway, between being absolutely stunning in the looks department (flashed my creative license right there!), playing Roller Derby, and working at TJ Maxx, I’m a total dime. Tonight I had a few cups of cool added to my awesome bucket because I, Veda G., was inducted into a serious, straight up, secret…complete with private codes and handshakes – club. Oh yeah, be jealous.
You may have noticed the sudden growth in population around the Muskegon area. No the influx of good looking, witty people in the tri-county area had nothing to do with the recent Muskegon Summer Celebration. 150+ members of Sweet Pea’s (my) family…the Sass’…have made the journey to the Skee for a massive reunion. These reunions are few and extremely far between so it has actually turned into a weeklong Sass-a-bration complete with planned and scheduled events for Maximum Relative Experience.
The Sass family is very unique. There are a million and one of us which makes becoming part of our family or even being born part of the clan a very overwhelming experience. The order of the Great Aunts took it upon their selves to make this adventure a little Sassier and created a super secret society solely for the females of the family. Psh…like we weren’t already cool enough? (if they could just figure out a way to eradicate vegetables, I would feel a little bit better about not being switched at birth.)
Fortunately for me because I am of the female persuasion, I was allowed…finally…to attend the infamous TTR induction ceremony of which I am now a bona fide, card-carrying member.
The males in our fam have been trying every trick in the book to shake us down and spill our guts but before I get ahead of myself here, you must know I was sworn to absolute secrecy and could be wiped off the planet at the hands of my six great aunts if I reveal what TTR stands for (although, we may possibly be swayed into giving a couple hints if Oprah were to give us a little ringy ding ding). How many people can say that their family has a legit secret society? OctoMom’s family is a society within itself but doesn’t count…so that is nobody that I am aware of!
To be a part of our club you have to be female, married to a Sass or 14ish and born in to the order (whenever the cult is together there is usually an induction ceremony just so everyone can be a TTR, making the age requirement a little blurry). The ceremony consists of seeing angels, talking in tongues, and accepting Sass into your life; the norm. Finally, to be completely enlisted into the TTR Army you MUST participate in a blood oath giving your entire life and soul to the Sass Sisterhood. No big deal or anything.
After I was rostered for the TTR team it felt as though a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Little Baby Jesus finally said that I had reached my destination in life and have accomplished all I have to accomplish. Therefore, I told my mother my future plans no longer include college. Thanks to my Great Aunts for making me a well-rounded wise Sass. With this new TTR designation and the infinite coolness that comes with it, I will travel and dominate the world in the name of all that is Sassy.
Posted by admin on Jul 24, 2011 in
Muskegon Comical By Tammy Derouin
I find it interesting to see how the president is trying to sell the American people his debt or rather his budget plan. He denies that it’s an issue of salesmanship because “The American people are sold. You have 80% of the American people who support a balanced approach. The American people support an approach that includes revenues and includes cuts.” Well, that number wasn’t exactly right. But for argument sake let’s say that it was correct. The president only favors poll results when they are beneficial to him and his agenda. He makes a very passionate plea on behalf of the American people. I find it insulting. Why should the people pay attention to this poll when he has disregarded all other polls? I decided to do some research. The following is a list of poll results on some very important issues. As with any poll, there is a margin of error to take into account.
If the president was so concerned about the will of the people he wouldn’t have forced Obama Care down our throats. He didn’t take those poll results into consideration, did he? In poll after poll Americans were making it clear that they did not want Obama Care. Instead of listening, he bought votes. There were secret deals taking place and promises being made. Exemptions from the plan for a period of time seemed to be one of the hottest promises. Now why would a program that was so beneficial to all Americans need exemptions? The poll results have been worse for Obama Care over a year after it was rushed through Congress. Once again the president is showing his arrogance by ignoring the will of the people. Instead of listening he has dug his heels in deeper and refuses to compromise on the health care bill when it comes to a balanced budget.
How about illegal immigrants? After Arizona passed new immigration laws most Americans supported Arizona for taking a stand and protecting their state. Fifty one percent of the adults polled said the law was “about right.” Thirty six percent said it went too far. Nine percent said it didn’t go far enough. So there you have it, 60% of Americans at minimum felt Arizona was taking the right course of action. What did Obama do? He slapped Arizona with a lawsuit.
Another war was added to the shoulders of America. I guess our military didn’t have enough to do; the president had to give American soldiers one more front to fight. Before Obama committed American troops there was a poll. Most Americans didn’t want to get involved in another war. Sixty three percent felt the Libyan situation should be left alone. Twenty two percent supported military action and fifteen percent weren’t sure what to do. Was anybody really surprised that the president committed U.S. forces?
Israel has been an American ally since its beginning. A poll indicated that for the first time since 1991, over 60% of Americans say their sympathies lie more with Israelis than with Palestinians, sixty three percent to be exact. Only 15% sympathize with the Palestinians while 23% favor neither side or have no opinion. So what does our president do? He turns his back on Israel.
The great American standard incandescent light bulb is being phased out. Although this process didn’t begin on Obama’s watch, if he was truly interested in what the American people thought, he could do something about it. Sixty six percent do not want the government to dictate what light bulb they can use. Eighteen percent want more choices and a better way to handle the mercury inside the compact fluorescent. Fourteen percent think abandoning the standard light bulb is a great idea.
So there you have it, Mr. President. You have disregarded the opinions of the American people during your time in office. For some reason you feel it’s necessary to make up a number and state that the American people are behind you. Please do not count me in your bag of tricks. Maybe if you would have listened to the will of the people in so many other areas, maybe, just maybe you could state some kind of support. You, Mr. President have done everything in your power to bring this country down. I do not believe that you have American interests at heart. Your record makes that clear. The only results I look forward to are the election results. I hope this country has learned that sometimes a second term is a mistake.
“The will of the people is the only foundation of any government, and to protect its free expression should be our first object.”
Thomas Jefferson
From the Soapbox
Tammy H. Derouin
Posted by admin on Jul 5, 2011 in
Muskegon Comical By Tracy K. Lorenz
For those of you who haven’t heard, Shark Week is coming up! “Shark Week” is an entire week the Discovery Channel dedicates to, understandably, sharks. I’ve loved sharks since I was a little kid and even wrote my first book report for Sister Wilma on sharks. I made a little cover where I drew a Mako Shark in attack position. I got a “C” on the report with a note that said “If you would have spent as much time on the report as you did on the cover you would have gotten an “A”. That was quite possibly the nicest thing a nun ever said to me and it wasn’t even all that nice.
I’ve owned sharks over the years, keeping them in aquariums with hopefully sufficient turn around room. Here’s a tip for those of you who’ve considered shark ownership: when the shark gets big enough to eat the other fish he will eat the other fish even if they seemed quite friendly in the weeks and months prior to the eating.
But all my shark experience hasn’t been limited to pets, sometimes I’ve seen them way closer than I’d like and I‘m not talking about those “Swim with Sharks“ tours. I’ve been on those “Swim with the sharks” tours and I’ll tell you right now those aren’t exactly real sharks. Technically you’re swimming with sharks but if the beast has a mouth like a vacuum and hangs out at the bottom of the ocean you’re probably not in too much danger, when a shark has whiskers it loses a bit of its menace.
Anyway, a few years back I got conned into going deep-sea fishing in the Caribbean. Now around here if you go out on a charter boat it has, like, a roof and it sits out of the water more than a foot. In Central America it’s a different story, you basically just hitch a ride with a local fisherman who feels little obligation to bring you back whole.
Now I’ve written before how I’m a bit claustrophobic and for some reason it hit me when I hopped on that little boat and I mean LITTLE boat. We took off like a bat heading for some area off the coast of Guatemala and things immediately went bad. Once we left sight of land the claustrophobia kicked in and I was quite sure I was having a heart attack. Then just as I was calming down WHAM! We hit a Manatee. You do NOT know fear until you slam into a 3,000-pound hunk of meat in a boat the size of a kayak. The driver / guide Marcus (who bore a striking resemblance to Snoop Dogg) stopped to check his motor while I feverishly surveyed the boat for leaks and / or life preservers and found neither.
So after awhile my heart restarted and we reached the fishing grounds, Marcus pulled out a fishing pole with a reel the size Rosie O’Donnell’s head. Apparently when you’re fishing in 600 feet of water you need 600 feet of really heavy line and he didn’t have one of those cool back support chairs they strap you into on nice fishing trips, I think he just had a bucket.
What Marcus didn’t realize is I’m the world’s worst fisherman, bar none. Every time I attempt to fish I not only crash and burn, I crash, burn, come back to life and crash again in the Peruvian mountains where I’m eaten by my bowling team.
If the rod and reel weren’t heavy enough, ol’ Marcus hung three large pieces of re-bar on the end of the line to use as sinkers. He put some bait on and I chucked the whole contraption over the side of the boat where a barracuda immediately ate the bait. The process repeated itself for quite awhile until Marcus said, “Maybe we’ll just catch the barracuda.” He changed the bait system and next thing you know I’m fighting a barracuda that has me greatly outmatched in the “will to live” department. That baby took off like an ape with a beehive on its head. I fought it for, oh, a minute and then Marcus took over for the next half hour. When it was about dead and close to the boat I reeled it in the rest of the way so, technically, I caught it.
That took care of the bait problem, now it was time to fish for whatever monstrosity lurked beneath us.
I actually hooked quite a few fish but in the process of getting them in the boat they would be eaten by sharks. Big, ugly sharks not pretty TV sharks. These babies had crooked teeth, rounded snouts, and could bite a forty-pound sea bass in half like it was a Twix bar. Every now and then one would swim near the boat and give me the hairy eyeball which was uncomfortable to say the least. If anyone fell in that water, and by anyone I mean “me,” it would be like falling into a wood chipper.
But wait! There’s more!
When it came time to leave after a day of catching nothing but one barracuda and a bunch of half fish heads the boat wouldn’t start. The sun was setting, the current was strong, there was no land in sight, the sharks were tucking bibs under their chins and the motor…isn’t…starting. Marcus switched gas tanks, he checked all the electronics, and at one point the even dove in the water to check the propeller. Nothing.
I was just about to get into the fetal position and accept my fate when Marcus noticed the boat wouldn’t start because it was still in gear. He put it in neutral and we high-tailed it back to Belize.
I don’t know if I’ve ever been happier to see dry land. As a reward I let Marcus keep the fish, (coincidently that night every “restaurant” on the island had a special on barracuda steaks) we shook hands and I walked back to my cabana totally exhausted or as I like to call it…shark weak.
Posted by admin on Jul 5, 2011 in
Muskegon Comical By: Veda G. Rooks
As fate would have it, beach season is upon us. A wonderful time in West Michigan, for we have some of the most beautiful beaches in the galaxy, just not the most beautiful beach go-ers. Every year this poor columnist does, to some degree, a whole column on the creatures that grace the fine sandy Heavens, but yet every year they seem to up the ante and never fail to “bring it”…all of it.
My absolute favorite thing about summer is the sun. Duh! But being a fair skinned, red head I’m not the suns favorite thing. My summer goes in the order that follows: translucent, tomato, flaky, ghostly. Note the unfortunate lack of tan. Hello Lord! Don’t you want me to have children someday? Because at this rate, the only man I’m attracting with my chalk-skin is Edward Cullen, and I’m not really a fan of skinny blood-suckers. Although I could write a whole novel on my terrible genetics, suffering from sunburn really opens your eyes…to all the other lobsters of Muskegon. We get one nice day on the lakeshore and all of a sudden the town is a sea of rojo. It is truly difficult to get anything done at the Wal-Mart when every citizen of this fine city is walking all stiff-legged and bending down to the bottom shelf is a definite no-go. Even though the beach wreaks havoc on any complexion, the number of gorgeous men that reside there just weighs out all the negatives, and that is why I can survive looking like I am covered in tomato soup for a whole three months.
Beside all of the burn victims that crawl around the seashore, there is also the other type of being that could save you from the sun…because they block the entire thing out. That’s right; I’m talking about the “sea cows” (as this kid likes to call them). Now before I get a mob of people in front of my cave please take this with a grain of salt. Veda G. is in no way, shape (whether in or out), or form someone who knows about eating healthy and getting buff (I don’t even eat vegetables for goodness sake!), but I am someone that loves the beach and has to sit and look at people who need to be a little more “observer conscious”. Now men, you are semi off the hook because there isn’t much you can do with a pair of swim trunks but women have options to help them. They make different bathing suits for a reason! No matter what type of body you posses, there is a bathing suit that will look good on you. Curvy, busty, or even lanky, they make the perfect cut and type of bathing suit for you, you just have to go out and find it. If you are of the “healthy girl” type DO NOT go around wearing string bikinis. People are going to have to look at you, so find something that they are going to like looking at for three hours in the scorching sun. Bottom line: know when to cover it up or when to let it all hang out (which is preferably never).
The last type of person every beach go-er has to suffer looking at is not one of the unfortunate category. They are the ones that are just too good looking. Everyone knows these, and everyone despises these. Every morning I have to roll out of bed, try and get a brush through my Medusa-like hair, and somehow try and make bed head look good; these beings wake up looking like they were just sent down from God’s hands. Cool, Jesus! They have the perfect golden brown skin, while I’m stuck hating the sand because it is tanner than I. even with a paper bag on their head they would still put Tyra Banks to shame. Luckily I am confident with my freckly face and afro-puff hair, but I will still cross my fingers and hope that just ONE measly day they will not look like an angel sent from the high Heavens.
Despite the creatures that rest in the sand on the shores of Lake Michigan, it is still a wonderful place to be during the summer. With lots of sunscreen and closing both of our eyes, we can work to make it just a little bit more wonderful…maybe.
